QuitFail 2 - another day of stumbles, but good feelings abound.

Today was another day of stumbles. I have now had 2 cigarettes in 4 days. Not bad overall. I know that. But not exactly where I wanted to be, either.

Why is it that when we're stressed we revert to the behaviors that come most naturally? Is that a cop-out, or a true psychological phenomenon? I have seen it to be true... but today it feels like an excuse.

I have received some really phenomenal feedback from friends and family, supportive and thoughtful. This means a lot to me, and makes the struggle worthwhile.

In some future blogs I think I'll go back and bring out some of the advice that I've received. That way others can benefit in the same way that I've been lucky enough to.

SO - update on today. I ran this morning. It was pretty good, but not nearly as fast as I expected to be able to go. I also found (I'm sure this is the recent holidays more than quitting, because I haven't been smoke-free for long) that while it takes FOREVER to lose a pound, it takes less than a month to gain TEN. That's right folks. I've been busting my backside for almost six months... take one month partly off, and I feel like I'm back to square one.

Okay - that's mostly just venting. But it feels good to be able to let it out. Really - I'm pleased. Despite gaining weight, I still feel pretty good most of the time. I think that I'm finally getting to that point (again) where my body tells me that I need to keep working out, which is a good thing. AND - the more I run, the less I want to have cigarette-induced lung trauma... and if you've ever run/jogged for more than three minutes, you can really feel it when you're a smoker.

So, stressful day and again I stumble. I am taking some better steps, though. I am stopping and reminding myself that if I can just wait for 5 minutes, I won't be "jonesin'" for a smoke the way that I am right now. It's helping.

Today I called my doctor's office and this evening I picked up Chantix. It wasn't as hard as the first time (a year ago - which resulted in five months without smoking... why did I start again??). This time they just called it in and I went to pick it up tonight. One pill today and for the next two days, and then it switches to two pills every day. The first week "you can continue to smoke" but by the third or fourth day it pretty much tastes like garbage in your mouth... I'm excited to have every little extra bit of help.

Before I continue my story from yesterday, I'd like to tell you what happened about ten minutes after I posted the blog. Jen walked over to me (at my computer) and said that she didn't remember that happening. We talked about it for a little bit. It reminded me that sometimes an event that feels traumatic to you is just another day in the life of someone else.

Jen wasn't saying that it was okay, or that she wasn't hurt by it. I took her response as this - that day wasn't as traumatizing to her as I had feared. While I was worried that this was something that I couldn't ever make up for, she reminded me that sometimes we just have to be okay with mistakes. It doesn't mean that the thing you did was okay. It just means that if you truly want to learn from them - then you can come out of it stronger than before.

This was the case with this incident. Although I did not learn my lesson quickly. I felt terrible for lying to her, but I also didn't know what to do. She told me that she was okay (though I could see in her eyes that she wasn't); she just didn't want me to smoke when she was around.

Boy - you can take something like that and run with it for a long time. And I did. For probably most of the next year, year and a half, I continued to smoke when I wasn't around Jen. I employed vigorous rules for maintaining this facade:

1. Never smoke within one hour of meeting
2. The face and hands must be thoroughly washed
3. Changing coats is a good idea (winter rule)
4. Always smoke in the open, outside (wind) is best
5. Gum. Chew at least 2 pieces immediately following the cigarette, and 2 more right before arriving.
6. Brush your teeth regularly.

I hadn't thought about these rules for a long time, but it's funny how quickly things pop back into your mind when you spend a little time. These were my rules, and I LIVED them for about 2 years. There were a few close calls. Though I felt like I wasn't "lying" to Jen, I knew quickly that I was hiding it from her.

I rationalized that it was what she wanted. That I was doing her a favor. This was my first inkling that I was dealing with an addiction. And yet, as I sit here today writing, still dealing with the same addiction - I also had NO idea how to change, how to fix myself. I thought of myself as broken. As something that had characteristics that were so intrinsically flawed, so completely and irrepairably vile, that I spiraled into depression.

I self-medicated. With cigarettes.