Biggest stumble-day? Thankful for my friends.

It's Thursday. It's the night of the BCS National Championship game. And today was another incredibly, absolutely exhausting and stressful day.

I struggled with the idea of writing this post. I wasn't sure how to do this. Honestly, it's been a pretty rough day and week. Smoking-wise (that's not a word, until NOW) it's been going pretty well, but I've been getting thoroughly overwhelmed by my work life. Today was no different, but today I didn't handle it well.

The reason I struggled with writing this post is that, since Sunday, my posts have been about maintaining the status quo. I've been generally having 1 cigarette a day, I've been talking about my issues on here, and I've been feeling pretty good. But today I just gave in and had, I suppose, a relapse... I didn't binge or anything, but I certainly didn't use the support that all of you have been so wonderful to give... and for that I am sorry.

Today has been my worse day, in terms of quitting. I had a total of 3 cigarettes today, and 1 more late last night, so 4 in the last 24 hours... To those of you who have been supporting me, I ask you to PLEASE not give up. This was the part I have been struggling with. Since I've been doing well, I haven't had to ask you to take my words on faith. Now I am. But I'm looking to the positive.

Today, several people where I work told me that they have been reading this blog and are supportive of what I'm doing. One person in particular, a friend of mine from our Communications/Marketing department, told me how he'd been reading and how supportive he is of my progress, and of the writing found here.

This statement from my friend (thanks Brett!) as well as numerous others help to remind me why I'm doing this. It's for me, to give me something to think about instead of smoking. It's for you readers, who are reading this every day as I'm writing. And it's for those who will read it in the future. People who are trying to quit and need support.

Like I said earlier this week - though I might be ashamed of my stumbles and falls in the moment, it doesn't help anyone (least of all myself) for me to come on here and say that I only had 1 cigarette today even though I actually had 3. The part of me that wants people to be proud of me wishes that I could say that and have it be true. The part of me that believes in this process, and in the importance of honesty to it, knows that it would invalidate the exact thing that I'm trying to do.

The other good thing about having a day that made me think about all of these things was this - while I was having these conversations a couple of times I mentioned the 'rationalization' that I've noticed that occurs as part of addiction.

At times today, I 'rationalized' that it would be better for me, and for YOU, if I said that I only smoked 1 cigarette. But, thanks to this process; thanks to the fact that I've been thinking about this and talking to you all about it for the past couple of weeks, I actually realized it WHILE it was happening. It actually brought on a realization about the way that I would rationalize things, and that's what I wanted to share tonight.

A few things that I remember rationalizing - They made perfect sense at the time (you'll see that they might not now):

• I planned to move to New York. I couldn't imagine living in NYC without smoking, so I thought I shouldn't quit at that time.
  
• Having 7 or 8 cigarettes left in a pack when I was thinking about quitting - I would go ahead and smoke all of them that evening "to finish the pack so I could quit"... and then by the middle of the next day, I'd say - "that was dumb. I should go by some so that I can quit slowly" and then wouldn't do it.
• Rationalizing that those people who didn't want me to smoke should JUST NOT KNOW ABOUT IT (see earlier posts... in addition to being BAD for your marriage, it's actually bad for ALL relationships)
• My parents don't know, and telling them would hurt them and wouldn't help anything, so I just won't tell them... (but then I'll sneak outside sometimes 'for a walk' and they won't know a thing)
  
• It's okay to smoke lights or ultra lights when quitting... it's like stepping down (I don't think it actually is - but I don't actually know... maybe this one does make sense... but it never helped ME quit)
• If I wash my hands and face - my son won't be able to smell the smoke on me. (my sister told me that this is NOT true)

That's it for now. Chantix going good. No suicidal ideation (which means it isn't making me feel like I need to hurt myself), and the dreams haven't been bad.

Goodnight, you Princes (and Princesses) of Maine, you Kings (and Queens) of New England.