I'm sitting watching Constantine while getting ready for sleepy-time, and then it's back to the gym (it's freezing early in the morning!!!) but then I'll be able to basically stay home the rest of the day, which is nice.
Today was fair. Not so bad as yesterday, in terms of guilt, but similar in terms of number of cigarettes smoked. Today was a 3 cigarette day. I must say, it got substantially better after I met with my boss, and I didn't even feel the need until a few minutes ago. Why don't/didn't I allow myself to do what I know I'm supposed to do, and talk myself into quitting for this cigarette?
It is because I've been considering this very question that I want to talk about addiction. Since I've been on chantix again I've been feeling a lot better. Cigarettes don't taste good. I'm not getting any nicotine (I think that's how it works, blocking it out)... but I've been wondering if I haven't been feeling it as much this time because I just wasn't smoking as much as I was last year when I took it... 3-6 cigarettes a day, while not good, wasn't nearly as bad as I've been in my past.
SO - what is the over-riding issue? What is making it hard to quit, if there is a possibility that Nicotine addiction is not it? Is it the social aspect of smoking? I don't go outside with the people that I used to take breaks with. I DO admit that I rather enjoy an evening cigarette with a book, but I can still READ without needing one.
So what's the answer? I read an interesting news story a year or two ago stating that some scientists had decided that they felt that nicotine was possibly as addictive, if not more addictive, than heroine. When I consider my own personal evidence, the fact that though I believe that I am addicted, I don't know how much of it is "physical need" versus psychological...
Why do I like smoking? I was trying to figure that out this week. I tell people that I just love it, and I believe that it's true... but I really was wondering WHY? Is it simply addiction? I was talking through it with someone this week. I'm someone who is constantly going... by that I primarily mean that my brain is always running. It's hard for me to shut down after work, or during the evening... sometimes I can't sleep (most of my life), other times it feels like I'm sitting in a whirlpool where thoughts are coming and going, and I can't get them straight. (I will say that recently it's been considerably easier to shut down while I'm with Forrest, but if he falls asleep before me, my mind INSTANTLY starts to race the minute he's in bed)...
I explained it this way - for me, having a cigarette is calming. Actually, it's more than calming... For some reason, at those moments I actually feel like I can let GO of things. Maybe it's that insane need for a break when you've been pushing hard... How this for rationalizing something that is definitely 'abnormal' - at least once I've thought that it wouldn't be bad to be put in an asylum... they let you smoke, and you aren't responsible for anything but yourself. I don't know that I've ever shared that with anyone... but I remember watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and Awakenings, and Girl, Interrupted... all while being a smoker... and thinking that it just didn't look so bad. I mean, sure, there were bad parts... but...
- Honestly - I can't justify that thought. I just know that I've had it. I think it has to do with being afraid that there is something actually wrong with me... which is part of dealing with depression. I'll talk more about this sometime. But for now - please know that I'm doing well and that things are going really well.
As always - I appreciate each of your reading, commenting, and supporting me during this time of change and learning.
I might have talked about some of this stuff before, but this is what I've been thinking about today... and I hope that I at least covered some new ground... and I hope, if you're reading this because you're thinking about quitting, that you continue on that quest with me. We will make it!
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