Okay - it's actually happened

The new blog is actually set up. And here is the link - http://bit.ly/6aTv5g

Hope you enjoy, and I hope to see you all there!

Please confirm that I may review your blogs as well. I'd love to see your writing as well.

Day 9-erd – Fabulous Football Sunday

(this blog originally written on Sunday, January 17th, 2010)

Today I had to go in to work, to try to clean up my office and get some things done so that I could enjoy the rest of my weekend. I realized something as I left the office (almost 8 hours later)… I didn’t think about needing a cigarette or needing a break the entire time! I was awfully sad that it was dark and cold when I arrived at work, and the sun already descending with warmer air as I’m LEAVING.

Something that’s going to be weird next year, not smoking in public during football season. Most of the past 11 seasons, at least when I’ve been out at a bar or restaurant, I’ve enjoyed a delicious cigarette, or ten, or twenty, (or more) during the game. Does that sound strange?

I’m sure that there are going to be hundreds of little things that are going to be different. And I’m good with that. But I’m not looking forward to those moments when I realize that is what’s going on. When I realize that the reason I’m tensing up is because I’m longing for a few drags of smokey-funtimes (not a word, but wouldn’t it be fun if that’s the way that companies advertised? What if they advertised complex medical procedures in those terms? Come and get your superfun happytime colonoscopy. Have you had your partytime-prostate giggle-ums exam yet?) I digress…

So, now having returned home from work, I’m happy to say that this is the 9th day smoke free. My son hasn’t had to endure my smoke-riddled clothing and stinky hands and face. My wife has been able to (generally) kiss me without having me brush my teeth multiple times and use additional mouthwash. And I’ve been more productive at work, I think.

Speaking of work – this has been an interesting time for me to try to quit smoking, professionally speaking. My job has been somewhat stressful for most of the past 6 years… but this year in particular has brought about a new kind of stress that I hadn’t had before. Whether it’s been simply being overwhelmed, dealing with major budgeting issues, or not having too many hours per day to do everything that folks need… even the good stress is simply stress that has to be dealt with, on some level.

I think this is a pretty common thing for people who are trying to quit. It’s a stress-reliever for many of us… (or, to be honest, the thought of quitting is simply so stressful sometimes that we would rather just not have to face that stress). So, we don’t. We continue to take our smoking breaks and use that time to smoke and vent. I agree with many of my non-smoking friends – it’s not fair if you work someplace where the only way you can take a break is if you are a smoker. You should be able to take a break. Legally, as a matter of fact, you definitely ARE able to take a break… consider it.

I’m getting a bit long in the tooth today. But what a good day. Enjoy Martin Luther King, Jr. day tomorrow!

Blog has been moved to NakedCityWichita website!

I've been asked to go ahead and start submitting my blog posts to the editor of Naked City's website!

I really want to continue following your submissions if any of you are blogging, but for the time being I'm just going to submit there and won't be loading more here.

Here is the link:

http://www.nakedcitywichita.com/blogs/aaron-on-quitting/?offset=0&cat=344

Please come visit, and PLEASE COMMENT... very helpful if they know that folks are reading!

Thank you SOOOOO MUCH. If you need further info - please send me a message on facebook or email me at aaronwalker@hotmail.com

Thanks!!!!

A Whole Week Gone! Day 8ish (as the ability to count eludes me)…

Note - This post was written on January 16th (Saturday)

A whole week and a day has passed since I stopped smoking… and what an incredible week it has been. It feels like it’s been a lot longer than a week, actually. But, I suppose that is a good thing. The more time that appears to pass, the better I should be feeling, huh?

I started this blog on my own, and now I’m writing it for a very cool publication, Naked City Wichita… I’m really excited and have gotten some really amazing feedback from people as they’ve read through the evolution of my writing and my mindset throughout the past 3-4 weeks since I started writing. For anyone checking this out – I just want you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read and support this endeavor. For the 11 years that I smoked, I thought errantly that I was not addicted, that I did not need to smoke (I merely “liked it” or “loved it”), that I could quit any time without any problem, and that it wasn’t something that was going to affect me.

People talk about teenagers/young adults having that “immortality” complex… where they don’t think that anything they do is going to affect them long-term, and they certainly don’t realize that it’s going to kill them. For 19 years I didn’t smoke, and I believed that I was too mature to encounter this feeling of immortality. I didn’t realize that it would hit me subconsciously, and that it would be something that I always KNEW could cause harm.

Smokers and other addicts might not tell you – they might even state openly that “these things are going to kill me” – but the idea that this thing that you LOVE, that you need, hurting you is outside the realm of possibility. The problem lies in the exceptions – a few extremely well-known people who smoked their entire lives without ever getting sick – and you’re able to convince yourself that you are the next exception.

This feeling of infallibility, immortality, leads to continuing risky behaviors that lead to further addiction issues. So as I’m considering all of this over the past month or so, I realize that I DO indeed have a smoker’s cough again… and I don’t know how long it’s been there. I realize that before last years 5 months without smoking I was having other, more serious indications that perhaps my smoking was catching up with me. But I ignored them. I choose, consciously or not, to believe that they were false. Even though the fact, the feeling, was staring me in the face.

More on this as we continue this exploration. Leave a comment or send me questions if there are things that you would like me to talk about or just want to know more about. I’m happy to do whatever I can.

Breakdown... or breakthrough??

It is a cold, arid winter day. Though moisture appears to cover the ground, the air contains as much moisture as the mouth of a thirsty drunk. A man wanders into a bar. A customer who usually comes in 4 times a day, he suddenly disappeared three days ago; this is his first time back inside. He calmly orders a cranberry juice, and sits back and watches the other patrons partake in his usual poison. He watches them with wonder, a small pang of longing through the quick...

Welcome back to the blog. I'm sorry for the short hiatus while we figured things out (as of this posting, my previous blogs are now available at http://bit.ly/5fxqlk) and while I was sick... hopefully in the next few days all of my posts will actually originate at www.nakedcitywichita.com.

In the meantime, I plan to keep you all updated here. SO - welcome to day 4a, as it were. A difficult yet wonderful day for revelation (and some corny writing--see above).

I thought I would enjoy writing some sort of introduction that would allude to my present state, but wouldn't completely give things away. (That, and I enjoyed writing it.) Well, I got sick again. This time, it was a mixture of migraine (Monday - super FUN) and flu-like achy symptoms with a much more mild headache on Tuesday. YAY for the crud. That's the bad news (along with 2 missed days from work).

The good news is that I did not smoke a single cigarette during my two day venture away from the world. And today, I returned to the working world... where... wait for it...

I did NOT have a single cigarette. Again, I used the mantra of quitting one cigarette at a time. And many thanks to my loving wife. I was able to speak to her during the height of the "I-just-returned-to-work-and-my-brain-is-going-to-explode-with-too-much-to-do"-itus (this is a syndrome that I will someday have placed in the DSM, and become a bazillion-aire!) She reminded me, with a casual and comedic boxing motion, that all I needed to do was quit this one cigarette.

It was enough for me. Enough that I was able to stop myself. Enough that even though I took a BREAK with a friend with whom I have smoked, I was able to resist and tell her that "I'm okay"... what's more - I actually meant it. I really was okay, for the first time during the heart of a "I NEED A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW"- breakdown, I feel like I'm finally on the road to recovery.

As we continue on, I'm going to talk more about the first day (not as bad as last week) and the 2nd and 3rd days (much worse). But the thing that I kept remembering was that I have a number of people counting on me to quit, myself not the least among the throng.

I think that the Chantix has done exactly what I needed it to do. It took the edge off of quitting. The same way that this blog helped me through the most basic premise of all - the dreaded anticipation.

Of those smokers reading - how many of you have told yourself at least 5 times that you're quitting, then let the date pass and kept on smoking? 10 times? 20?

I would belong to the latter group, having told myself probably no less than 50 (conservative guess) times that I would be quitting with this next cigarette, or this next pack. Then the day would pass, and I would find myself thinking about just 1 more cigarette, or just 1 more pack... seriously, after 11 years, how much harm is 20 cigarettes going to do?

But that's the problem with smoking, as with any addiction. Only the addict can see the justification for that next fix. And I'm starting to see smoking that way. It was a way for me to get a fix.

It was also a lot more than that. It was a way for me to stop and get a mental break. It was a calming time alone. It was good conversation with good friends. And, weird as it sounds, it was New York City. My memories of that town are endlessly bound in cigarette smoke. But, as I imagine I will corroborate further through my future writing, primarily it was a means to an end. I told myself that I needed a break... did I do that because I did, or because I couldn't concentrate because my body was telling me it was time for another cigarette?

This question, and many others like it, are going to haunt me for a long time. But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life with my family. I'm going to enjoy work, and working hard, because I believe in an honest days work. And I'm going to enjoy watching my son try to eat things he shouldn't (like leaves off the floor while Daddy is in the next room writing) and Mommy running to him to stop him. Now, as my son's laughter takes me away...

The man smiles and wishes that the world was different. He wishes that his need hadn't outweighed other things in his life for the past 11 years. But, sitting in the bar, looking at the poison to which he has professed his love, he feels the grip loosen... and he smiles.

Day 1a - the Second Try

Well - today is the day that I QUIT smoking for good. I've only thought about it once tonight, and when I did, I took a friend's advice (thank you Mr. Myles!) and 'quit that cigarette'. Basically, in addition to the Chantix, I'm trying to think of EACH CIGARETTE as a chance to quit. 1 at a time. It's good, simple advice, and I don't think I've ever thought of things in this way before.

Maybe it's because writing forces you to be introspective (at least blogging or "journalling" sure does)... but I've been thinking more about the past in relation to my smoking. Today, my parents came over for lunch and Jen and I were able to leave the house for an hour or so to get some shopping done, "Forrest-free".

While out, I told my Dad about the blog and asked him to check it out. I even pulled up the webpage for him on my computer.

Then, while Jen and I were shopping, I was hit with something.

Now - first let me say - my parents both know that I've been smoking. I basically decided to tell them two years ago. We went on a trip with them, to Boston, and during the planning for the trip I told them about it. I think my Mom knew before, and my Dad also knew (or at least had some idea) - but this blog would be the first time that either of them would know the following points:

1. I used to smoke outside of their house at Valley Center.
2. I sometimes did it while they were sleeping.
3. Sometimes when I took Dakota for walks, I was smoking.
4. I out-and-out lied (not lies of omission) when asked about smoking when I was in New York or the couple of times that Dad picked me up from a friend's house.

There are probably countless other things that I've done and ways that I've lied to them. I am actually kind of glad that I can't remember them all. I have a newfound respect and caring for my family now that I've become a father. We were always a close (but loudly discussing) family, but it's much more so now. I feel bad enough about the lies that I mentioned above... more would just be gratuitous.

So - I realized that prior to reading this blog, my Dad probably didn't have any idea that I smoked all of those years right under their noses. We kind of talked about it when I initially told them I'd been smoking "for a while", but by not ever talking about HOW long, I never had to take full responsibility for anything more than a few months, which meant that I didn't ever really REALIZE that I'd been a smoker for a long time until I hit 10 years... and that was a revelation...

It is another in a long line of realizations that this period of introspection has inspired.

I need to start updating you all on my running and stuff. Yesterday I ran about 2 miles, and run/walk alternated another 1.5... pretty good day, all in all. If this headache goes away, I'm thinking about trying out a group class AFTER I run tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

Friday, Friday, where did you go?

I'm sitting watching Constantine while getting ready for sleepy-time, and then it's back to the gym (it's freezing early in the morning!!!) but then I'll be able to basically stay home the rest of the day, which is nice.

Today was fair. Not so bad as yesterday, in terms of guilt, but similar in terms of number of cigarettes smoked. Today was a 3 cigarette day. I must say, it got substantially better after I met with my boss, and I didn't even feel the need until a few minutes ago. Why don't/didn't I allow myself to do what I know I'm supposed to do, and talk myself into quitting for this cigarette?

It is because I've been considering this very question that I want to talk about addiction. Since I've been on chantix again I've been feeling a lot better. Cigarettes don't taste good. I'm not getting any nicotine (I think that's how it works, blocking it out)... but I've been wondering if I haven't been feeling it as much this time because I just wasn't smoking as much as I was last year when I took it... 3-6 cigarettes a day, while not good, wasn't nearly as bad as I've been in my past.

SO - what is the over-riding issue? What is making it hard to quit, if there is a possibility that Nicotine addiction is not it? Is it the social aspect of smoking? I don't go outside with the people that I used to take breaks with. I DO admit that I rather enjoy an evening cigarette with a book, but I can still READ without needing one.

So what's the answer? I read an interesting news story a year or two ago stating that some scientists had decided that they felt that nicotine was possibly as addictive, if not more addictive, than heroine. When I consider my own personal evidence, the fact that though I believe that I am addicted, I don't know how much of it is "physical need" versus psychological...

Why do I like smoking? I was trying to figure that out this week. I tell people that I just love it, and I believe that it's true... but I really was wondering WHY? Is it simply addiction? I was talking through it with someone this week. I'm someone who is constantly going... by that I primarily mean that my brain is always running. It's hard for me to shut down after work, or during the evening... sometimes I can't sleep (most of my life), other times it feels like I'm sitting in a whirlpool where thoughts are coming and going, and I can't get them straight. (I will say that recently it's been considerably easier to shut down while I'm with Forrest, but if he falls asleep before me, my mind INSTANTLY starts to race the minute he's in bed)...

I explained it this way - for me, having a cigarette is calming. Actually, it's more than calming... For some reason, at those moments I actually feel like I can let GO of things. Maybe it's that insane need for a break when you've been pushing hard... How this for rationalizing something that is definitely 'abnormal' - at least once I've thought that it wouldn't be bad to be put in an asylum... they let you smoke, and you aren't responsible for anything but yourself. I don't know that I've ever shared that with anyone... but I remember watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and Awakenings, and Girl, Interrupted... all while being a smoker... and thinking that it just didn't look so bad. I mean, sure, there were bad parts... but...
- Honestly - I can't justify that thought. I just know that I've had it. I think it has to do with being afraid that there is something actually wrong with me... which is part of dealing with depression. I'll talk more about this sometime. But for now - please know that I'm doing well and that things are going really well.

As always - I appreciate each of your reading, commenting, and supporting me during this time of change and learning.

I might have talked about some of this stuff before, but this is what I've been thinking about today... and I hope that I at least covered some new ground... and I hope, if you're reading this because you're thinking about quitting, that you continue on that quest with me. We will make it!

Biggest stumble-day? Thankful for my friends.

It's Thursday. It's the night of the BCS National Championship game. And today was another incredibly, absolutely exhausting and stressful day.

I struggled with the idea of writing this post. I wasn't sure how to do this. Honestly, it's been a pretty rough day and week. Smoking-wise (that's not a word, until NOW) it's been going pretty well, but I've been getting thoroughly overwhelmed by my work life. Today was no different, but today I didn't handle it well.

The reason I struggled with writing this post is that, since Sunday, my posts have been about maintaining the status quo. I've been generally having 1 cigarette a day, I've been talking about my issues on here, and I've been feeling pretty good. But today I just gave in and had, I suppose, a relapse... I didn't binge or anything, but I certainly didn't use the support that all of you have been so wonderful to give... and for that I am sorry.

Today has been my worse day, in terms of quitting. I had a total of 3 cigarettes today, and 1 more late last night, so 4 in the last 24 hours... To those of you who have been supporting me, I ask you to PLEASE not give up. This was the part I have been struggling with. Since I've been doing well, I haven't had to ask you to take my words on faith. Now I am. But I'm looking to the positive.

Today, several people where I work told me that they have been reading this blog and are supportive of what I'm doing. One person in particular, a friend of mine from our Communications/Marketing department, told me how he'd been reading and how supportive he is of my progress, and of the writing found here.

This statement from my friend (thanks Brett!) as well as numerous others help to remind me why I'm doing this. It's for me, to give me something to think about instead of smoking. It's for you readers, who are reading this every day as I'm writing. And it's for those who will read it in the future. People who are trying to quit and need support.

Like I said earlier this week - though I might be ashamed of my stumbles and falls in the moment, it doesn't help anyone (least of all myself) for me to come on here and say that I only had 1 cigarette today even though I actually had 3. The part of me that wants people to be proud of me wishes that I could say that and have it be true. The part of me that believes in this process, and in the importance of honesty to it, knows that it would invalidate the exact thing that I'm trying to do.

The other good thing about having a day that made me think about all of these things was this - while I was having these conversations a couple of times I mentioned the 'rationalization' that I've noticed that occurs as part of addiction.

At times today, I 'rationalized' that it would be better for me, and for YOU, if I said that I only smoked 1 cigarette. But, thanks to this process; thanks to the fact that I've been thinking about this and talking to you all about it for the past couple of weeks, I actually realized it WHILE it was happening. It actually brought on a realization about the way that I would rationalize things, and that's what I wanted to share tonight.

A few things that I remember rationalizing - They made perfect sense at the time (you'll see that they might not now):

• I planned to move to New York. I couldn't imagine living in NYC without smoking, so I thought I shouldn't quit at that time.
  
• Having 7 or 8 cigarettes left in a pack when I was thinking about quitting - I would go ahead and smoke all of them that evening "to finish the pack so I could quit"... and then by the middle of the next day, I'd say - "that was dumb. I should go by some so that I can quit slowly" and then wouldn't do it.
• Rationalizing that those people who didn't want me to smoke should JUST NOT KNOW ABOUT IT (see earlier posts... in addition to being BAD for your marriage, it's actually bad for ALL relationships)
• My parents don't know, and telling them would hurt them and wouldn't help anything, so I just won't tell them... (but then I'll sneak outside sometimes 'for a walk' and they won't know a thing)
  
• It's okay to smoke lights or ultra lights when quitting... it's like stepping down (I don't think it actually is - but I don't actually know... maybe this one does make sense... but it never helped ME quit)
• If I wash my hands and face - my son won't be able to smell the smoke on me. (my sister told me that this is NOT true)

That's it for now. Chantix going good. No suicidal ideation (which means it isn't making me feel like I need to hurt myself), and the dreams haven't been bad.

Goodnight, you Princes (and Princesses) of Maine, you Kings (and Queens) of New England.

Another Wednesday. Overwhelmed.

And we're back. It's been a pretty rough week, but good. Starting chantix has certainly helped my overall feeling about smoking and quitting. I'm only on Day 3 today, but I can already tell that it's working.

Sorry for missing you all yesterday. Two nights ago was pretty rough. Forrest woke up about an hour after I went to bed, and was pretty fussy so I spent about an hour and a half bouncing and patting, and didn't get back to sleep until after 5 am... so, last night was a bit of catch-up for me.

Okay - we're officially on Day 6 of the quitting phenomenon. I'm at 6 cigarettes over the last 6 days. Not as good as I was hoping, but not terrible either. To be honest, I'm pretty damn proud. Even though I've still been feeling the need (just a bit), I've really been able to NOT think about it too much.

I want to be honest about my smoking because, if anyone is reading this, and if you're also trying to quit, it's important for you to know that while some people are able to just STOP smoking, for me, that's not been how it's worked.

It's easy to start believing that you aren't going to succeed. To feel like there isn't anything that you can do to make it work. But a nice, cheesy thing to remember is that line from Batman Begins. "Why do we fall down? So that we can get back up."

Yesterday I talked about the hiding/lying/depressing spiral. It's such a vicious cycle - and while a part of me recognized that it wasn't healthy (for me, for my relationship/marriage, for my health), I still didn't know how to break the cycle. So, like I said, for several years it continued that way. From time to time, I would think about quitting, and from time to time, I would actually quit for a little while.

But it didn't happen for long. And then I would start back, smoking from time to time, then smoking a LOT, and then the hiding and lying... all of it again.

Was it Mark Twain who said "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it thousands of times."

I'm not there, and I know now that I won't be, ever. For all of my talk, this is the first time that I've ever truly believed that I could quit - forever.

QuitFail 2 - another day of stumbles, but good feelings abound.

Today was another day of stumbles. I have now had 2 cigarettes in 4 days. Not bad overall. I know that. But not exactly where I wanted to be, either.

Why is it that when we're stressed we revert to the behaviors that come most naturally? Is that a cop-out, or a true psychological phenomenon? I have seen it to be true... but today it feels like an excuse.

I have received some really phenomenal feedback from friends and family, supportive and thoughtful. This means a lot to me, and makes the struggle worthwhile.

In some future blogs I think I'll go back and bring out some of the advice that I've received. That way others can benefit in the same way that I've been lucky enough to.

SO - update on today. I ran this morning. It was pretty good, but not nearly as fast as I expected to be able to go. I also found (I'm sure this is the recent holidays more than quitting, because I haven't been smoke-free for long) that while it takes FOREVER to lose a pound, it takes less than a month to gain TEN. That's right folks. I've been busting my backside for almost six months... take one month partly off, and I feel like I'm back to square one.

Okay - that's mostly just venting. But it feels good to be able to let it out. Really - I'm pleased. Despite gaining weight, I still feel pretty good most of the time. I think that I'm finally getting to that point (again) where my body tells me that I need to keep working out, which is a good thing. AND - the more I run, the less I want to have cigarette-induced lung trauma... and if you've ever run/jogged for more than three minutes, you can really feel it when you're a smoker.

So, stressful day and again I stumble. I am taking some better steps, though. I am stopping and reminding myself that if I can just wait for 5 minutes, I won't be "jonesin'" for a smoke the way that I am right now. It's helping.

Today I called my doctor's office and this evening I picked up Chantix. It wasn't as hard as the first time (a year ago - which resulted in five months without smoking... why did I start again??). This time they just called it in and I went to pick it up tonight. One pill today and for the next two days, and then it switches to two pills every day. The first week "you can continue to smoke" but by the third or fourth day it pretty much tastes like garbage in your mouth... I'm excited to have every little extra bit of help.

Before I continue my story from yesterday, I'd like to tell you what happened about ten minutes after I posted the blog. Jen walked over to me (at my computer) and said that she didn't remember that happening. We talked about it for a little bit. It reminded me that sometimes an event that feels traumatic to you is just another day in the life of someone else.

Jen wasn't saying that it was okay, or that she wasn't hurt by it. I took her response as this - that day wasn't as traumatizing to her as I had feared. While I was worried that this was something that I couldn't ever make up for, she reminded me that sometimes we just have to be okay with mistakes. It doesn't mean that the thing you did was okay. It just means that if you truly want to learn from them - then you can come out of it stronger than before.

This was the case with this incident. Although I did not learn my lesson quickly. I felt terrible for lying to her, but I also didn't know what to do. She told me that she was okay (though I could see in her eyes that she wasn't); she just didn't want me to smoke when she was around.

Boy - you can take something like that and run with it for a long time. And I did. For probably most of the next year, year and a half, I continued to smoke when I wasn't around Jen. I employed vigorous rules for maintaining this facade:

1. Never smoke within one hour of meeting
2. The face and hands must be thoroughly washed
3. Changing coats is a good idea (winter rule)
4. Always smoke in the open, outside (wind) is best
5. Gum. Chew at least 2 pieces immediately following the cigarette, and 2 more right before arriving.
6. Brush your teeth regularly.

I hadn't thought about these rules for a long time, but it's funny how quickly things pop back into your mind when you spend a little time. These were my rules, and I LIVED them for about 2 years. There were a few close calls. Though I felt like I wasn't "lying" to Jen, I knew quickly that I was hiding it from her.

I rationalized that it was what she wanted. That I was doing her a favor. This was my first inkling that I was dealing with an addiction. And yet, as I sit here today writing, still dealing with the same addiction - I also had NO idea how to change, how to fix myself. I thought of myself as broken. As something that had characteristics that were so intrinsically flawed, so completely and irrepairably vile, that I spiraled into depression.

I self-medicated. With cigarettes.

QuitFail (or maybe more appropriately QuitStumble...)

I think that may be my first apropos use of the term "___Fail"... made popular by our internet culture. It feels good, even though the reason doesn't so much.

Welcome to day 3. The day that I thought things would be going better and where I wouldn't be feeling so much like CRAP... The day where I was wrong.

Over this weekend I decided a few things.
The first - I am going to call the doctor to find out about Chantix or another quitting AID first thing Monday morning.
The second - I have a really hard time when my routine gets shot to hell... which, actually, includes my pervasive smoking habit.
The third - Quitting sucks. Did you know that? So does smoking, I know... but man... just the process...
The fourth - I decided to have a cigarette. I have had 1 now during my first three days of quitting. And damn. It wasn't as great as I remembered. I actually got a little bit light headed. I'm pretty sure that it was MOSTLY psychological... but I guess I wasn't smoking all that much before... either way - important lesson for the kids... I am not perfect.

This does not mean that I'm not quitting. It does not mean that I'm going to smoke every day or every time I think about it. (If it did, I would have had about 200 cigarettes this weekend, not 1). But - it certainly did hurt my pride.

That was part of the reason for writing this blog - to hold myself accountable to myself and everyone who feels strongly about smoking and the potentially negative effects of cigarettes. And man - I was SO excited to write about it! (excited probably the wrong word... embarrassed, sad, disappointed, and a number of others are much more likely culprits)

So - that's why the 'funny' title... but I'm still on the path. Never fret, my friends, I will do this. But I want to be up front with you about both my successes AND my failures.

Alright - on to the fun part -

Today I want to continue my story of when I started smoking...

I think I left off talking about how I started because of a play that I was in. That wasn't the part that was difficult. It was actually easy at that point, because it didn't taste good (until the show was nearly over, at least), and I was only smoking about 3-4 cigarettes a day. Say what you will about the medical evidence, I'm just not sure that 3-4 cigarettes a day will ever be an amount that will kill someone. However - the problem is keeping it at that number... This is neither here or there... so - BACK to the story.

A few weeks after the show closed I was faced with a conundrum. Should I continue smoking, something that I had always reviled (but was starting to enjoy) or should I continue to hide it. At this point, telling my parents was something that I just wasn't okay with doing. Telling my girlfriend (at the time, who shortly after became my fiance, and then my wife) was slightly easier, but she had grown up in a house where smoking had been prevalent, and it drove her crazy.

SO - though I told Jen that I was smoking, I told her that I would quit. I don't think that I intended it as a lie that first time... I think I truly intended to quit. But now, almost 11 years later, it seems that I obviously didn't succeed with that one, huh.

A few months went by, and I generally tried to NOT smoke around anyone. I was still living at home, so basically I could smoke in the morning before I went to class, I could smoke AT school (WSU), and then I could smoke late in the evening after everyone went to sleep. I did this for a while, and at some point realized that I was, actually, lying to just about everyone about it... but though I had come to this realization, I also didn't know what to do about it.

A few months later, I moved out on my own, and then it got worse. Because then I wasn't waiting for anyone to leave the house in the morning, I wasn't waiting for anyone to go to sleep in the evening, and I could go outside whenever I wanted.

I continued to feel that it was important for me to hide this from Jen. I told myself that I wasn't really lying, I was keeping something from her that she hated.

I knew, inside, that I was really trying to be the perfect person that I knew I wanted to be for her. I also knew, by this time, that I was actually addicted to smoking and that I wasn't going to be quitting of my own volition.

Then, one evening, Jen came over to the apartment. For some reason, I had to run out to my car. When I came back in I heard a door close (the closet, I thought) but when I opened the door Jen was sitting on the couch, and she said that she needed to go. It was late, so I didn't think anything of it.

About 10 minutes after she left, I went to my closet to get a cigarette out of my coat. Inside the pocket, with the cigarettes and the lighter, was a piece of paper. I had no idea what this could be. I pulled it out, hoping that I had left some money or something in my pocket, to find two words written on the paper. "I Know"... in Jen's writing...

Caught in a lie. To be continued.

2nd day of quitting - worn out

Welcome to day 2 of quitting. Its more lame than day 1, if that's possible, and my attitude has not exactly improved.

I'm excited to be sitting in a theater getting ready to watch Avatar in 3D with my wife, her 3 brothers (who I also consider my brothers) and Erica (brother Austin's gf)...

Today is the day where all I do is think about smoking... Considering how to sneak one, how to get away from everyone for a few minutes... But I'm not going to.

Thanks for the notes of support. Be back later from home, but needed to get away from thoughts of sneaking...

Today is the day that it happened...

Here we are. Damn. Today was the first day with NO cigarettes. As of the moment that I'm writing this post, I have now gone without a smoke for over 24 hours. There are things that I've loved MORE than today... but this has been a pretty amazing day, actually.

I was going to continue the beginning of my history, but will bring that up another time.

Today I want to talk about how sucky quitting is. Mostly just to get it out there. The biggest surprise to me whenever I have tried to quit, is even though I've talked about how hard it's been in the past, it's weird the things that you're able to convince yourself of.

For instance - This evening I have had the thought, about 400 times, that I will just stay up late tomorrow night (after everyone goes to sleep) and then I will sneak out and buy a pack of smokes. Yep. I've been seriously thinking this. SERIOUSLY. I don't think I'm going to, but I've pretty much got it all planned out.

At those moments when I'm not feeling the EXTREME need to go outside and have a smoke, I've thought briefly of other things.

Like - Reasons to Quit:

• Tired of the recurring pre-stage smoker's cough
• So that Forrest won't get sick from it
• So that Forrest won't get ashtma because of it
• So that I don't have to wash myself for 30 minutes each time that I want to hold my son or kiss my wife.

Two days ago, I think I could have made a great list, longer and more thought out. Right now, I can't hardly think about the good things about NOT smoking... I'm just thinking that I should just go out and smoke.

To be continued.