Day -2 - Back in the Saddle

Today was the first day back to work after 4 days off. It was actually a really great day, but it was really hard. It turns out that I really AM able to turn things off when I'm at home, now that Forrest is here.

But, aside from all of that, today was a good day. Productive. 6 cigarettes throughout the day, which was more than I had intended, but not terrible.

Now I'm getting ready to go to bed, hoping to wake up in time to work out tomorrow. The past few mornings I've just been so tired that I haven't been in the mood to do anything but go back to sleep, as quickly as possible.

Whe I think about smoking, it usually inspires good feelings. But since Forrest has been born mostly all I have felt is stinky and old. It's so frustrating to stink, to not be able to come close to him until I've washed off completely and often changed clothes. It drives me crazy. And yet...

The compulsion to smoke, to continue smoking... is sometimes overpowering. I mentioned earlier how pervasive it is. A friend of mine remarked on facebook that the hardest thing about quitting for HIM, was all of the times that he encountered firsts. Like - the first few weeks riding in the car without smoking (oe that I've thankfully given up for almost a year ow)... the first time that you go out onto the porch to read without smoking, the first time out at a bar... those times... and countless others.

Smoking is a habit that infiltrates everything that you do. For me - smoking is relaxation. Smoking is release. It's a time when my head can clear completely, and I can just do nothing... be nothing, and still be okay.

The rest of the time, it seems like I live the cliche rate race... always moving and trying to get to the next thing. And somehow, I've turned smoking into this mecca-like existence. It's kind of sick I think, and yet I continue to be drawn to it. Even now, I'm thinking about how nice it would be go to back outside after I'm done writing this... to just go outside and read and relax... when I should just be doing to bed. I shouldn't NEED to do that... and I don't need to.

Signig off. NOT going outside. Just going to get the laundry from downstairs and go to bed. Thanks for being there for me while I'm doing all of this. Your support means a lot to me.