Gonna Poop While You Shower

Today I'm spending some time with my babies (Jen and Forrest) and our friends Keri and Zac. In addition, I decided to change up my blog. It's been some time since I've written anything here - but for good reason.

After the bullshit that was my experience with Naked City (not due to any one person in particular), I needed some time away. In addition, a good friend (Gregory R. Crane) and I started working together on a project which is progressing nicely - but it helped a TON to be able to get some perspective from someone else on the things that I've been writing.

I'm sorry that I was such a sad bastard for a few months. I love writing - and things will get funnier.

Oh yeah - I'll explain the title of this post too... coming soon my friends.

April the 6-eth-rd.

Today is the 6th of August, I'm watching Arrested Development and sitting on my couch... enjoying the evening with my son and my wonderful wife. Did you know that Carl Weathers is in desperate need of funds? It's pretty damn funny... it makes me sad every time I get into this show and realize that because of people like me who didn't give it a chance, it didn't last.


You might have noticed that i revamped my blog. As much as I want to continue my writing on quitting - I think part of the reason that I'm not posting as often as I was before is that I simply don't have as much to say about quitting as I did.


While I recognize that in my life, this is a good thing, it was a sad realization in that my blog didn't become exactly what I wanted.


So - here's to new beginnings. I'll still give updates each week on how things are going, and I plan to re-run some of my older material that either 1) was never posted because of the jerking around I received at the hands of a local magazine or 2) was posted and then almost immediately pulled when my website was taken down.


The new title is "Smoke-free 30's". This is where I'll be talking about being a Daddy, being a husband, trying to find my place in the working world... in short, what happens when we turn 30 and realize that we're not "in our twenties" anymore? What happens when we realize that we didn't ever really settle down into a career? 


These are the kinds of things that I've been thinking about for a few weeks, or maybe a couple of years. 


I can't wait to start discussing things with you. Tonight I'm working on another writing project... something that I'm very excited about and CAN'T WAIT to show you! Soon, my monkeys... soon.


Talk to you later.

Is it April already?

Opening salutation. This is the blog of Aaron Walker, me, and I'm finally posting again. After a little bit of time away, I'm happy to report that things are going well, generally. It's Monday afternoon, and I'm home from work and happy to report that I'm continuing to live my life smokefree.

Something that I hadn't discussed yet, at least not in any detail, is that the state of Kansas has just passed (a couple of weeks ago) a smoking ban. While it's not in effect yet, the law has been passed which means that soon Wichita, in addition to the entire state of Kansas, will be smokefree in all public places.

While the new 'non-smoker' or 'recovering smoker' version of me is happy that I'll be able to visit a bar, a restaurant, or another public place without having to smell cigarette smoke, I've got some issues with legislation around something like smoking. 

It would actually be more accurate for me to say that I have a problem, in general, with government groups passing laws mandating something that I personally feel should be left up to business owners. I'm sure this is entirely because I WAS a smoker who faced the beginnings of a smoking ban when Wichita passed municipal legislation stating that smoking would only be allowed in businesses which strictly catered to people over 18 years of age. 
What I don't understand, however, is how THAT law is any less effective than the one that was just passed.

I agree, I don't like coming home stinking after a night out. But the truth is, if I'm out drinking I'll probably stink by the time I get home anyway, cigarettes or no.

A quick update

Hello dear blog.

No full update tonight, I'm afraid. GOT to be in bed by 10, so that I can make my workout tomorrow morning. It's been a rough a tumble day, and tomorrow looks to be full as well.

For now, I'm going to get some work done, NOT SMOKE, and then hopefully work on ANOTHER writing project, that I will hopefully be able to update you all on soon!!!!

Great night, dear blog. Closing Regards.

If you stumble, do you fail?

I was talking to a friend this weekend about quitting, and the question was asked that isn't a stumble a failure? In other words, if I'm a smoker trying to quit, and I have a cigarette, is that a failure? Is that a stumble? What, besides semantics and person-to-person ideals, is the deciding factor?

During the discussion I decided it was prudent to discuss how I have addressed my singular experience - as one of addiction. In my case - I planned to relapse at some point, I think at least privately. But little would I know that I would be able to make it further than I thought would be possible.

So, one day I'm faced with a choice, do I go outside and have a cigarette? Or am I able to go without?

We ended the discussion there.



So - I'm hoping that this is a welcome return. In all honesty, it seems like each day is busier than the last. Two weeks ago, my daily mantra was "Make it to the weekend!"... and that was all I had to do... and by the end of the weekend I would have less work to do.

Last week, the same thing happened. All week, I'm saying to myself, if I can just make it to the weekend, I'll be fine. I'll be okay. I'll make it through the week and next week won't be busy.

This week, we're two days in... and here we are once again. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done within the short amount of time that I have given myself. I'm trying to understand WHY I keep doing this to myself... and I just want a cigarette.

I'm sure that's terribly upsetting to some of you. But the good news, I've made it this far... and so far, so good.

So - why haven't I been here to write, when I love the release and how helpful it's been for me to keep writing on a regular basis? Well - This weekend was NUTS. Starting at the end of last week - I spent pretty much every non-working hour on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday preparing, or helping to prepare, for baby showers for two of my great friends, Jeff and Linda. They are going to have a baby this year, probably in May, and are due around the same time this year that Jen and I welcomed our little one last year.

I'm really excited about it. And we had such a great time with them this weekend, but boy, was I glad when I got to Jeff's house in the evening and didn't have to worry about getting anything else set up, or getting things into or out of the house.

So, Saturday night I got drunk. Really drunk. Like - I won the poker tournament but I can't hardly remember WHO I was playing at the end. I remember that I was doing well, and partly I was getting angry that it seemed like I was going to win on the ONE night that we weren't playing for money... which happened. But honestly, I'm really excited about it. It doesn't feel like I've played poker in a long, long time. And to be able to sit there and play with my friends, and Jeff's friends and family... just a great, wonderful time.

So, woke up Sunday morning with an absolutely TERRIBLE headache. I thought quite literally that my head was going to explode. And my son was yelling and walking around the living room (I slept on the couch, by the way... didn't want to wake them up if possible). I was laying there watching him, and I just barely remember turning over and dozing back off... unsure if I'm going to throw up... and the next thing know it's hours later. I get up and try to eat something, try to take a shower, and it's worse.

And that's pretty much how the day went. My first hangover true to stereotype.

Now another day. Monday was good. Spent the day primarily presenting new information to folks... and today spent the day doing interviews. Crazy busy. Crazy, crazy busy. Good. But... damn.

Need to count up my days again.

Last week - I made it to the gym twice, once to group class and once on my own. This week I'm hoping for two days of class and one day without... or maybe even three days of class. Who knows. But it depends on me getting things done and being able to get to sleep.

So - going to abruptly stop. Hope you're having a good week and not feeling too ignored, dear blog.

New day - Moving On

Today is the first blog of a new day. This is the first blog that I have written independent of my short-lived contract with NakedCity Wichita. I am sad about the way that things ended with them. I really felt like I was holding up my end, and I hope that I was providing consistently quality content. But, they are moving in another direction. And I recognize that I am no longer a 'young' dude, I was very rarely, if ever, 'hip', and I'm not sure that it would fit anyway.

Onward and upward.

I have a new writing project that I can't wait to tell you all about. But... it's going to be a while. Right now we're in the early planning phase and with stuff like this you just never know where it will go... but I feel really good about it, and I have a couple of great people that I'm working with... so I can't wait.

Alright. Enough of that tease, and enough of me complaining. Let's get back to the regular discussion.

This morning I awoke at the old regular time - around 5:25. It was REALLY hard to get going this morning, but I did it. The alarm only went off once (YAY for my wife and son, who hopefully weren't awakened by my inability to wake up). Then I sat on the couch until I was sure that I was going to fall asleep there... and I got up and went to the gym. How this worked, I do not know. But somehow, it all worked out for the best. I made it to the gym. I was a little bit late for the 6 am class that I usually attend, so I just spent my time on the elliptical. I did 1.9 miles in just under 25 minutes, and watched a bit of a new Battlestar Galactica episode (first of Season 4.5).

Just an update for any new readers. I am a Geek. A huge geek. I know it. But I LOVE this show. It's just SO good. Didn't check my weight again today, but feeling better about getting up in the morning. Overall, just feeling better. Like it's something that I'm going to be able to do again.

And, once I get going with the marathon training... well, I'm sure that there won't be any way to stop me. HA.

So - today is a new day. Another in the short line of days since I quit smoking. And the first in a new way, that I hope to be able share soon.

Alright. Got a LOT of work to do, prepping for a meeting tomorrow morning at 9. Have a good night and Friday all!

Third Time's a Charm

Tonight is my third night to be blogging in a row. That's a personal best for the past month. YAY!

To report - I'm back to the gym, thanks to a newer, earlier bed time. Last night I got up (from the couch) and got into bed at 10:00 pm. And I almost immediately fell asleep. This is the first time in a while that this has happened like this, though I understand from some of my friends and my wife that this is considered "normal" human behavior. 2 days in 2 weeks. Though this is not good, it's a good start.

Current weight - 252 lbs. ugh.

Current belly size - protruding. Like a 7th month of a pregnancy big.

Did I gain weight thanks to quitting? I can't be sure that it was actually "cause and effect" - but I believe with my heart that the answer is YES. But I'm also happy to report that I'm starting (in 2 weeks) a running group at work with my wife and Forrest (he'll be joining us in a 'jogging' stroller. Or is it pronounced "yaw-ging"? I'm not sure... it might be a soft "J").

Number of cigarettes - still big 0. And thankful. While days like yesterday make me question myself sometimes (it's hard to convince myself 'smoking is bad for your health' when I'm MORE sickly since I quit); I've had a much better day today and generally have been feeling better all around. Could that be due to working out? :)

I continue to make progress in the world, slowly becoming a non-smoker. I wonder - will I ever get to claim to be a 'non-smoker'? Or, like an 'alcoholic', do I always have to say that I'm a smoker, just a 'recovering smoker'? Thoughts?

As I continue to strive for perfection, today reminded me that a bump in the road is NOT a failure. The difference between someone who succeeds and someone who fails really lies in the effort. If you TRY, you cannot fail. You may slip, you may stumble, but you will not fail. (I know this is counter to the whole "do, or do not, there is no try" mantra of the great Yoda, but seriously... that's kind of a crappy way to look at things).

So, on that positive note, I bid you farewell for another day. Tomorrow's a workout/busy-workday kind of day. But I look forward to talking to you again in the morrow!

Medicinal Smoking - theory or reality

Today has been a phenomenal day, but I've had a LOT going on. First, I didn't wake up to work out this morning because when my alarm went off my head was POUNDING. I'm not sure what is behind that, but it was bad enough that I just gave in and went back to bed.

Aaron Misconception #1 - When I quit smoking I won't get sick so much.

Truth - I've been sick more since I quit than I was when I was a smoker. And this, in particular, doesn't make any sense. I'm still having sinus issues (including all day today).

Aaron Misconception #2 - Maybe if I have a cigarette, I'll feel better.

Truth - If I smoke eventually I'll just get more and more sick, and eventually things will get worse and worse.

Now I'm watching 30 Rock and hoping that my headache will go away before Jen and Forrest get home from their shopping trips.

So - made it through another day without a cigarette. I actually was able to use my quitting experience as an example for some people today. We were discussing how to break tasks down for people, especially when dealing with addiction.

So, I talked about how when I was first starting my journey to quit I didn't think there was any way that I would be able to make it to 60 or 70 days. It was one of those impossible ideas... but I was able to break it down into smaller chunks that were more manageable. I decided that each time that I would start to 'jones for a smoke I would just make myself wait for 10-15 minutes, and as it turned out, by the time it would roll around I wouldn't be thinking about it anymore.

One thing that I've realized as I've been working on this blog and trying to be introspective about my life and my addiction is that I spend a lot of time in my own head. I don't know how else to work through things (that are conflict-based... I grew up in a "loud" home where we would speak our minds). So, when I get into something that has some angle or facet that I don't understand - like trying to quit doing something that I don't really think I'm addicted to - I have to really look at it from all sides and figure it out before I feel comfortable with where I am.

You might have noticed this. ;)

Okay - it's actually happened

The new blog is actually set up. And here is the link - http://bit.ly/6aTv5g

Hope you enjoy, and I hope to see you all there!

Please confirm that I may review your blogs as well. I'd love to see your writing as well.

Day 9-erd – Fabulous Football Sunday

(this blog originally written on Sunday, January 17th, 2010)

Today I had to go in to work, to try to clean up my office and get some things done so that I could enjoy the rest of my weekend. I realized something as I left the office (almost 8 hours later)… I didn’t think about needing a cigarette or needing a break the entire time! I was awfully sad that it was dark and cold when I arrived at work, and the sun already descending with warmer air as I’m LEAVING.

Something that’s going to be weird next year, not smoking in public during football season. Most of the past 11 seasons, at least when I’ve been out at a bar or restaurant, I’ve enjoyed a delicious cigarette, or ten, or twenty, (or more) during the game. Does that sound strange?

I’m sure that there are going to be hundreds of little things that are going to be different. And I’m good with that. But I’m not looking forward to those moments when I realize that is what’s going on. When I realize that the reason I’m tensing up is because I’m longing for a few drags of smokey-funtimes (not a word, but wouldn’t it be fun if that’s the way that companies advertised? What if they advertised complex medical procedures in those terms? Come and get your superfun happytime colonoscopy. Have you had your partytime-prostate giggle-ums exam yet?) I digress…

So, now having returned home from work, I’m happy to say that this is the 9th day smoke free. My son hasn’t had to endure my smoke-riddled clothing and stinky hands and face. My wife has been able to (generally) kiss me without having me brush my teeth multiple times and use additional mouthwash. And I’ve been more productive at work, I think.

Speaking of work – this has been an interesting time for me to try to quit smoking, professionally speaking. My job has been somewhat stressful for most of the past 6 years… but this year in particular has brought about a new kind of stress that I hadn’t had before. Whether it’s been simply being overwhelmed, dealing with major budgeting issues, or not having too many hours per day to do everything that folks need… even the good stress is simply stress that has to be dealt with, on some level.

I think this is a pretty common thing for people who are trying to quit. It’s a stress-reliever for many of us… (or, to be honest, the thought of quitting is simply so stressful sometimes that we would rather just not have to face that stress). So, we don’t. We continue to take our smoking breaks and use that time to smoke and vent. I agree with many of my non-smoking friends – it’s not fair if you work someplace where the only way you can take a break is if you are a smoker. You should be able to take a break. Legally, as a matter of fact, you definitely ARE able to take a break… consider it.

I’m getting a bit long in the tooth today. But what a good day. Enjoy Martin Luther King, Jr. day tomorrow!