If you stumble, do you fail?

I was talking to a friend this weekend about quitting, and the question was asked that isn't a stumble a failure? In other words, if I'm a smoker trying to quit, and I have a cigarette, is that a failure? Is that a stumble? What, besides semantics and person-to-person ideals, is the deciding factor?

During the discussion I decided it was prudent to discuss how I have addressed my singular experience - as one of addiction. In my case - I planned to relapse at some point, I think at least privately. But little would I know that I would be able to make it further than I thought would be possible.

So, one day I'm faced with a choice, do I go outside and have a cigarette? Or am I able to go without?

We ended the discussion there.



So - I'm hoping that this is a welcome return. In all honesty, it seems like each day is busier than the last. Two weeks ago, my daily mantra was "Make it to the weekend!"... and that was all I had to do... and by the end of the weekend I would have less work to do.

Last week, the same thing happened. All week, I'm saying to myself, if I can just make it to the weekend, I'll be fine. I'll be okay. I'll make it through the week and next week won't be busy.

This week, we're two days in... and here we are once again. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done within the short amount of time that I have given myself. I'm trying to understand WHY I keep doing this to myself... and I just want a cigarette.

I'm sure that's terribly upsetting to some of you. But the good news, I've made it this far... and so far, so good.

So - why haven't I been here to write, when I love the release and how helpful it's been for me to keep writing on a regular basis? Well - This weekend was NUTS. Starting at the end of last week - I spent pretty much every non-working hour on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday preparing, or helping to prepare, for baby showers for two of my great friends, Jeff and Linda. They are going to have a baby this year, probably in May, and are due around the same time this year that Jen and I welcomed our little one last year.

I'm really excited about it. And we had such a great time with them this weekend, but boy, was I glad when I got to Jeff's house in the evening and didn't have to worry about getting anything else set up, or getting things into or out of the house.

So, Saturday night I got drunk. Really drunk. Like - I won the poker tournament but I can't hardly remember WHO I was playing at the end. I remember that I was doing well, and partly I was getting angry that it seemed like I was going to win on the ONE night that we weren't playing for money... which happened. But honestly, I'm really excited about it. It doesn't feel like I've played poker in a long, long time. And to be able to sit there and play with my friends, and Jeff's friends and family... just a great, wonderful time.

So, woke up Sunday morning with an absolutely TERRIBLE headache. I thought quite literally that my head was going to explode. And my son was yelling and walking around the living room (I slept on the couch, by the way... didn't want to wake them up if possible). I was laying there watching him, and I just barely remember turning over and dozing back off... unsure if I'm going to throw up... and the next thing know it's hours later. I get up and try to eat something, try to take a shower, and it's worse.

And that's pretty much how the day went. My first hangover true to stereotype.

Now another day. Monday was good. Spent the day primarily presenting new information to folks... and today spent the day doing interviews. Crazy busy. Crazy, crazy busy. Good. But... damn.

Need to count up my days again.

Last week - I made it to the gym twice, once to group class and once on my own. This week I'm hoping for two days of class and one day without... or maybe even three days of class. Who knows. But it depends on me getting things done and being able to get to sleep.

So - going to abruptly stop. Hope you're having a good week and not feeling too ignored, dear blog.