QuitFail (or maybe more appropriately QuitStumble...)

I think that may be my first apropos use of the term "___Fail"... made popular by our internet culture. It feels good, even though the reason doesn't so much.

Welcome to day 3. The day that I thought things would be going better and where I wouldn't be feeling so much like CRAP... The day where I was wrong.

Over this weekend I decided a few things.
The first - I am going to call the doctor to find out about Chantix or another quitting AID first thing Monday morning.
The second - I have a really hard time when my routine gets shot to hell... which, actually, includes my pervasive smoking habit.
The third - Quitting sucks. Did you know that? So does smoking, I know... but man... just the process...
The fourth - I decided to have a cigarette. I have had 1 now during my first three days of quitting. And damn. It wasn't as great as I remembered. I actually got a little bit light headed. I'm pretty sure that it was MOSTLY psychological... but I guess I wasn't smoking all that much before... either way - important lesson for the kids... I am not perfect.

This does not mean that I'm not quitting. It does not mean that I'm going to smoke every day or every time I think about it. (If it did, I would have had about 200 cigarettes this weekend, not 1). But - it certainly did hurt my pride.

That was part of the reason for writing this blog - to hold myself accountable to myself and everyone who feels strongly about smoking and the potentially negative effects of cigarettes. And man - I was SO excited to write about it! (excited probably the wrong word... embarrassed, sad, disappointed, and a number of others are much more likely culprits)

So - that's why the 'funny' title... but I'm still on the path. Never fret, my friends, I will do this. But I want to be up front with you about both my successes AND my failures.

Alright - on to the fun part -

Today I want to continue my story of when I started smoking...

I think I left off talking about how I started because of a play that I was in. That wasn't the part that was difficult. It was actually easy at that point, because it didn't taste good (until the show was nearly over, at least), and I was only smoking about 3-4 cigarettes a day. Say what you will about the medical evidence, I'm just not sure that 3-4 cigarettes a day will ever be an amount that will kill someone. However - the problem is keeping it at that number... This is neither here or there... so - BACK to the story.

A few weeks after the show closed I was faced with a conundrum. Should I continue smoking, something that I had always reviled (but was starting to enjoy) or should I continue to hide it. At this point, telling my parents was something that I just wasn't okay with doing. Telling my girlfriend (at the time, who shortly after became my fiance, and then my wife) was slightly easier, but she had grown up in a house where smoking had been prevalent, and it drove her crazy.

SO - though I told Jen that I was smoking, I told her that I would quit. I don't think that I intended it as a lie that first time... I think I truly intended to quit. But now, almost 11 years later, it seems that I obviously didn't succeed with that one, huh.

A few months went by, and I generally tried to NOT smoke around anyone. I was still living at home, so basically I could smoke in the morning before I went to class, I could smoke AT school (WSU), and then I could smoke late in the evening after everyone went to sleep. I did this for a while, and at some point realized that I was, actually, lying to just about everyone about it... but though I had come to this realization, I also didn't know what to do about it.

A few months later, I moved out on my own, and then it got worse. Because then I wasn't waiting for anyone to leave the house in the morning, I wasn't waiting for anyone to go to sleep in the evening, and I could go outside whenever I wanted.

I continued to feel that it was important for me to hide this from Jen. I told myself that I wasn't really lying, I was keeping something from her that she hated.

I knew, inside, that I was really trying to be the perfect person that I knew I wanted to be for her. I also knew, by this time, that I was actually addicted to smoking and that I wasn't going to be quitting of my own volition.

Then, one evening, Jen came over to the apartment. For some reason, I had to run out to my car. When I came back in I heard a door close (the closet, I thought) but when I opened the door Jen was sitting on the couch, and she said that she needed to go. It was late, so I didn't think anything of it.

About 10 minutes after she left, I went to my closet to get a cigarette out of my coat. Inside the pocket, with the cigarettes and the lighter, was a piece of paper. I had no idea what this could be. I pulled it out, hoping that I had left some money or something in my pocket, to find two words written on the paper. "I Know"... in Jen's writing...

Caught in a lie. To be continued.

Day -4 - The Countdown Continues, Old Friends Reunite

Today was another day full of Christmas spirit. Jennifer, Forrest and I spent some time with two groups of phenomenal friends, and I smoked. Not too much. But not a small amount, either. I did find out that this winter, the cold/dry air is apparently too much for my hands. I'm guessing that it has a lot to do with my smoking, given that my hands are out in the cold... and now they're not only chapped, but they're bleeding. UGH!

Maybe this will go away on its own?

6 cigarettes today, and 1 more likely for tonight. I haven't decided yet...

Today was a great day, though. I'm sad to say that again I didn't work out. I'm feeling REALLY tired all the time, and when I think about quitting I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me is proud that I'm planning to take this step for keeps, and other parts of me (I'm assuming this is where the "addiction" thing comes from) is NOT happy about it. That part of me just wants to keep smoking... and surprise, it gets louder each and every day.

I still took my time today to go outside and stop for a cigarette. Starting tomorrow I'm going to stop myself from doing excessive breaks, and not have multiple cigarettes in one outing. I'm hoping to spend three of my waking hours sitting in a theater watching the (allegedly) epic "Avatar". I'll admit, I'm pretty excited. Hopefully we'll have a theater where we can watch in 3D. We'll see.

Back to smoking - it's very strange for me to think that somehow I've been smoking for over a third of my life. That seems like a long, LONG time... and in other ways it feels like I haven't been smoking all that long. The last 11 years have rightly FLOWN by... not as quick as the last 7 months (by the way - Forrest is 7 months old today).

Phew.

Tomorrow - further ruminations on the flow of time (sidebar blog) and then more on smoking.

Have a great Sunday everyone!