A quick update

Hello dear blog.

No full update tonight, I'm afraid. GOT to be in bed by 10, so that I can make my workout tomorrow morning. It's been a rough a tumble day, and tomorrow looks to be full as well.

For now, I'm going to get some work done, NOT SMOKE, and then hopefully work on ANOTHER writing project, that I will hopefully be able to update you all on soon!!!!

Great night, dear blog. Closing Regards.

If you stumble, do you fail?

I was talking to a friend this weekend about quitting, and the question was asked that isn't a stumble a failure? In other words, if I'm a smoker trying to quit, and I have a cigarette, is that a failure? Is that a stumble? What, besides semantics and person-to-person ideals, is the deciding factor?

During the discussion I decided it was prudent to discuss how I have addressed my singular experience - as one of addiction. In my case - I planned to relapse at some point, I think at least privately. But little would I know that I would be able to make it further than I thought would be possible.

So, one day I'm faced with a choice, do I go outside and have a cigarette? Or am I able to go without?

We ended the discussion there.



So - I'm hoping that this is a welcome return. In all honesty, it seems like each day is busier than the last. Two weeks ago, my daily mantra was "Make it to the weekend!"... and that was all I had to do... and by the end of the weekend I would have less work to do.

Last week, the same thing happened. All week, I'm saying to myself, if I can just make it to the weekend, I'll be fine. I'll be okay. I'll make it through the week and next week won't be busy.

This week, we're two days in... and here we are once again. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done within the short amount of time that I have given myself. I'm trying to understand WHY I keep doing this to myself... and I just want a cigarette.

I'm sure that's terribly upsetting to some of you. But the good news, I've made it this far... and so far, so good.

So - why haven't I been here to write, when I love the release and how helpful it's been for me to keep writing on a regular basis? Well - This weekend was NUTS. Starting at the end of last week - I spent pretty much every non-working hour on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday preparing, or helping to prepare, for baby showers for two of my great friends, Jeff and Linda. They are going to have a baby this year, probably in May, and are due around the same time this year that Jen and I welcomed our little one last year.

I'm really excited about it. And we had such a great time with them this weekend, but boy, was I glad when I got to Jeff's house in the evening and didn't have to worry about getting anything else set up, or getting things into or out of the house.

So, Saturday night I got drunk. Really drunk. Like - I won the poker tournament but I can't hardly remember WHO I was playing at the end. I remember that I was doing well, and partly I was getting angry that it seemed like I was going to win on the ONE night that we weren't playing for money... which happened. But honestly, I'm really excited about it. It doesn't feel like I've played poker in a long, long time. And to be able to sit there and play with my friends, and Jeff's friends and family... just a great, wonderful time.

So, woke up Sunday morning with an absolutely TERRIBLE headache. I thought quite literally that my head was going to explode. And my son was yelling and walking around the living room (I slept on the couch, by the way... didn't want to wake them up if possible). I was laying there watching him, and I just barely remember turning over and dozing back off... unsure if I'm going to throw up... and the next thing know it's hours later. I get up and try to eat something, try to take a shower, and it's worse.

And that's pretty much how the day went. My first hangover true to stereotype.

Now another day. Monday was good. Spent the day primarily presenting new information to folks... and today spent the day doing interviews. Crazy busy. Crazy, crazy busy. Good. But... damn.

Need to count up my days again.

Last week - I made it to the gym twice, once to group class and once on my own. This week I'm hoping for two days of class and one day without... or maybe even three days of class. Who knows. But it depends on me getting things done and being able to get to sleep.

So - going to abruptly stop. Hope you're having a good week and not feeling too ignored, dear blog.

New day - Moving On

Today is the first blog of a new day. This is the first blog that I have written independent of my short-lived contract with NakedCity Wichita. I am sad about the way that things ended with them. I really felt like I was holding up my end, and I hope that I was providing consistently quality content. But, they are moving in another direction. And I recognize that I am no longer a 'young' dude, I was very rarely, if ever, 'hip', and I'm not sure that it would fit anyway.

Onward and upward.

I have a new writing project that I can't wait to tell you all about. But... it's going to be a while. Right now we're in the early planning phase and with stuff like this you just never know where it will go... but I feel really good about it, and I have a couple of great people that I'm working with... so I can't wait.

Alright. Enough of that tease, and enough of me complaining. Let's get back to the regular discussion.

This morning I awoke at the old regular time - around 5:25. It was REALLY hard to get going this morning, but I did it. The alarm only went off once (YAY for my wife and son, who hopefully weren't awakened by my inability to wake up). Then I sat on the couch until I was sure that I was going to fall asleep there... and I got up and went to the gym. How this worked, I do not know. But somehow, it all worked out for the best. I made it to the gym. I was a little bit late for the 6 am class that I usually attend, so I just spent my time on the elliptical. I did 1.9 miles in just under 25 minutes, and watched a bit of a new Battlestar Galactica episode (first of Season 4.5).

Just an update for any new readers. I am a Geek. A huge geek. I know it. But I LOVE this show. It's just SO good. Didn't check my weight again today, but feeling better about getting up in the morning. Overall, just feeling better. Like it's something that I'm going to be able to do again.

And, once I get going with the marathon training... well, I'm sure that there won't be any way to stop me. HA.

So - today is a new day. Another in the short line of days since I quit smoking. And the first in a new way, that I hope to be able share soon.

Alright. Got a LOT of work to do, prepping for a meeting tomorrow morning at 9. Have a good night and Friday all!

Third Time's a Charm

Tonight is my third night to be blogging in a row. That's a personal best for the past month. YAY!

To report - I'm back to the gym, thanks to a newer, earlier bed time. Last night I got up (from the couch) and got into bed at 10:00 pm. And I almost immediately fell asleep. This is the first time in a while that this has happened like this, though I understand from some of my friends and my wife that this is considered "normal" human behavior. 2 days in 2 weeks. Though this is not good, it's a good start.

Current weight - 252 lbs. ugh.

Current belly size - protruding. Like a 7th month of a pregnancy big.

Did I gain weight thanks to quitting? I can't be sure that it was actually "cause and effect" - but I believe with my heart that the answer is YES. But I'm also happy to report that I'm starting (in 2 weeks) a running group at work with my wife and Forrest (he'll be joining us in a 'jogging' stroller. Or is it pronounced "yaw-ging"? I'm not sure... it might be a soft "J").

Number of cigarettes - still big 0. And thankful. While days like yesterday make me question myself sometimes (it's hard to convince myself 'smoking is bad for your health' when I'm MORE sickly since I quit); I've had a much better day today and generally have been feeling better all around. Could that be due to working out? :)

I continue to make progress in the world, slowly becoming a non-smoker. I wonder - will I ever get to claim to be a 'non-smoker'? Or, like an 'alcoholic', do I always have to say that I'm a smoker, just a 'recovering smoker'? Thoughts?

As I continue to strive for perfection, today reminded me that a bump in the road is NOT a failure. The difference between someone who succeeds and someone who fails really lies in the effort. If you TRY, you cannot fail. You may slip, you may stumble, but you will not fail. (I know this is counter to the whole "do, or do not, there is no try" mantra of the great Yoda, but seriously... that's kind of a crappy way to look at things).

So, on that positive note, I bid you farewell for another day. Tomorrow's a workout/busy-workday kind of day. But I look forward to talking to you again in the morrow!

Medicinal Smoking - theory or reality

Today has been a phenomenal day, but I've had a LOT going on. First, I didn't wake up to work out this morning because when my alarm went off my head was POUNDING. I'm not sure what is behind that, but it was bad enough that I just gave in and went back to bed.

Aaron Misconception #1 - When I quit smoking I won't get sick so much.

Truth - I've been sick more since I quit than I was when I was a smoker. And this, in particular, doesn't make any sense. I'm still having sinus issues (including all day today).

Aaron Misconception #2 - Maybe if I have a cigarette, I'll feel better.

Truth - If I smoke eventually I'll just get more and more sick, and eventually things will get worse and worse.

Now I'm watching 30 Rock and hoping that my headache will go away before Jen and Forrest get home from their shopping trips.

So - made it through another day without a cigarette. I actually was able to use my quitting experience as an example for some people today. We were discussing how to break tasks down for people, especially when dealing with addiction.

So, I talked about how when I was first starting my journey to quit I didn't think there was any way that I would be able to make it to 60 or 70 days. It was one of those impossible ideas... but I was able to break it down into smaller chunks that were more manageable. I decided that each time that I would start to 'jones for a smoke I would just make myself wait for 10-15 minutes, and as it turned out, by the time it would roll around I wouldn't be thinking about it anymore.

One thing that I've realized as I've been working on this blog and trying to be introspective about my life and my addiction is that I spend a lot of time in my own head. I don't know how else to work through things (that are conflict-based... I grew up in a "loud" home where we would speak our minds). So, when I get into something that has some angle or facet that I don't understand - like trying to quit doing something that I don't really think I'm addicted to - I have to really look at it from all sides and figure it out before I feel comfortable with where I am.

You might have noticed this. ;)

Okay - it's actually happened

The new blog is actually set up. And here is the link - http://bit.ly/6aTv5g

Hope you enjoy, and I hope to see you all there!

Please confirm that I may review your blogs as well. I'd love to see your writing as well.

Day 9-erd – Fabulous Football Sunday

(this blog originally written on Sunday, January 17th, 2010)

Today I had to go in to work, to try to clean up my office and get some things done so that I could enjoy the rest of my weekend. I realized something as I left the office (almost 8 hours later)… I didn’t think about needing a cigarette or needing a break the entire time! I was awfully sad that it was dark and cold when I arrived at work, and the sun already descending with warmer air as I’m LEAVING.

Something that’s going to be weird next year, not smoking in public during football season. Most of the past 11 seasons, at least when I’ve been out at a bar or restaurant, I’ve enjoyed a delicious cigarette, or ten, or twenty, (or more) during the game. Does that sound strange?

I’m sure that there are going to be hundreds of little things that are going to be different. And I’m good with that. But I’m not looking forward to those moments when I realize that is what’s going on. When I realize that the reason I’m tensing up is because I’m longing for a few drags of smokey-funtimes (not a word, but wouldn’t it be fun if that’s the way that companies advertised? What if they advertised complex medical procedures in those terms? Come and get your superfun happytime colonoscopy. Have you had your partytime-prostate giggle-ums exam yet?) I digress…

So, now having returned home from work, I’m happy to say that this is the 9th day smoke free. My son hasn’t had to endure my smoke-riddled clothing and stinky hands and face. My wife has been able to (generally) kiss me without having me brush my teeth multiple times and use additional mouthwash. And I’ve been more productive at work, I think.

Speaking of work – this has been an interesting time for me to try to quit smoking, professionally speaking. My job has been somewhat stressful for most of the past 6 years… but this year in particular has brought about a new kind of stress that I hadn’t had before. Whether it’s been simply being overwhelmed, dealing with major budgeting issues, or not having too many hours per day to do everything that folks need… even the good stress is simply stress that has to be dealt with, on some level.

I think this is a pretty common thing for people who are trying to quit. It’s a stress-reliever for many of us… (or, to be honest, the thought of quitting is simply so stressful sometimes that we would rather just not have to face that stress). So, we don’t. We continue to take our smoking breaks and use that time to smoke and vent. I agree with many of my non-smoking friends – it’s not fair if you work someplace where the only way you can take a break is if you are a smoker. You should be able to take a break. Legally, as a matter of fact, you definitely ARE able to take a break… consider it.

I’m getting a bit long in the tooth today. But what a good day. Enjoy Martin Luther King, Jr. day tomorrow!

Blog has been moved to NakedCityWichita website!

I've been asked to go ahead and start submitting my blog posts to the editor of Naked City's website!

I really want to continue following your submissions if any of you are blogging, but for the time being I'm just going to submit there and won't be loading more here.

Here is the link:

http://www.nakedcitywichita.com/blogs/aaron-on-quitting/?offset=0&cat=344

Please come visit, and PLEASE COMMENT... very helpful if they know that folks are reading!

Thank you SOOOOO MUCH. If you need further info - please send me a message on facebook or email me at aaronwalker@hotmail.com

Thanks!!!!

A Whole Week Gone! Day 8ish (as the ability to count eludes me)…

Note - This post was written on January 16th (Saturday)

A whole week and a day has passed since I stopped smoking… and what an incredible week it has been. It feels like it’s been a lot longer than a week, actually. But, I suppose that is a good thing. The more time that appears to pass, the better I should be feeling, huh?

I started this blog on my own, and now I’m writing it for a very cool publication, Naked City Wichita… I’m really excited and have gotten some really amazing feedback from people as they’ve read through the evolution of my writing and my mindset throughout the past 3-4 weeks since I started writing. For anyone checking this out – I just want you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read and support this endeavor. For the 11 years that I smoked, I thought errantly that I was not addicted, that I did not need to smoke (I merely “liked it” or “loved it”), that I could quit any time without any problem, and that it wasn’t something that was going to affect me.

People talk about teenagers/young adults having that “immortality” complex… where they don’t think that anything they do is going to affect them long-term, and they certainly don’t realize that it’s going to kill them. For 19 years I didn’t smoke, and I believed that I was too mature to encounter this feeling of immortality. I didn’t realize that it would hit me subconsciously, and that it would be something that I always KNEW could cause harm.

Smokers and other addicts might not tell you – they might even state openly that “these things are going to kill me” – but the idea that this thing that you LOVE, that you need, hurting you is outside the realm of possibility. The problem lies in the exceptions – a few extremely well-known people who smoked their entire lives without ever getting sick – and you’re able to convince yourself that you are the next exception.

This feeling of infallibility, immortality, leads to continuing risky behaviors that lead to further addiction issues. So as I’m considering all of this over the past month or so, I realize that I DO indeed have a smoker’s cough again… and I don’t know how long it’s been there. I realize that before last years 5 months without smoking I was having other, more serious indications that perhaps my smoking was catching up with me. But I ignored them. I choose, consciously or not, to believe that they were false. Even though the fact, the feeling, was staring me in the face.

More on this as we continue this exploration. Leave a comment or send me questions if there are things that you would like me to talk about or just want to know more about. I’m happy to do whatever I can.

Breakdown... or breakthrough??

It is a cold, arid winter day. Though moisture appears to cover the ground, the air contains as much moisture as the mouth of a thirsty drunk. A man wanders into a bar. A customer who usually comes in 4 times a day, he suddenly disappeared three days ago; this is his first time back inside. He calmly orders a cranberry juice, and sits back and watches the other patrons partake in his usual poison. He watches them with wonder, a small pang of longing through the quick...

Welcome back to the blog. I'm sorry for the short hiatus while we figured things out (as of this posting, my previous blogs are now available at http://bit.ly/5fxqlk) and while I was sick... hopefully in the next few days all of my posts will actually originate at www.nakedcitywichita.com.

In the meantime, I plan to keep you all updated here. SO - welcome to day 4a, as it were. A difficult yet wonderful day for revelation (and some corny writing--see above).

I thought I would enjoy writing some sort of introduction that would allude to my present state, but wouldn't completely give things away. (That, and I enjoyed writing it.) Well, I got sick again. This time, it was a mixture of migraine (Monday - super FUN) and flu-like achy symptoms with a much more mild headache on Tuesday. YAY for the crud. That's the bad news (along with 2 missed days from work).

The good news is that I did not smoke a single cigarette during my two day venture away from the world. And today, I returned to the working world... where... wait for it...

I did NOT have a single cigarette. Again, I used the mantra of quitting one cigarette at a time. And many thanks to my loving wife. I was able to speak to her during the height of the "I-just-returned-to-work-and-my-brain-is-going-to-explode-with-too-much-to-do"-itus (this is a syndrome that I will someday have placed in the DSM, and become a bazillion-aire!) She reminded me, with a casual and comedic boxing motion, that all I needed to do was quit this one cigarette.

It was enough for me. Enough that I was able to stop myself. Enough that even though I took a BREAK with a friend with whom I have smoked, I was able to resist and tell her that "I'm okay"... what's more - I actually meant it. I really was okay, for the first time during the heart of a "I NEED A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW"- breakdown, I feel like I'm finally on the road to recovery.

As we continue on, I'm going to talk more about the first day (not as bad as last week) and the 2nd and 3rd days (much worse). But the thing that I kept remembering was that I have a number of people counting on me to quit, myself not the least among the throng.

I think that the Chantix has done exactly what I needed it to do. It took the edge off of quitting. The same way that this blog helped me through the most basic premise of all - the dreaded anticipation.

Of those smokers reading - how many of you have told yourself at least 5 times that you're quitting, then let the date pass and kept on smoking? 10 times? 20?

I would belong to the latter group, having told myself probably no less than 50 (conservative guess) times that I would be quitting with this next cigarette, or this next pack. Then the day would pass, and I would find myself thinking about just 1 more cigarette, or just 1 more pack... seriously, after 11 years, how much harm is 20 cigarettes going to do?

But that's the problem with smoking, as with any addiction. Only the addict can see the justification for that next fix. And I'm starting to see smoking that way. It was a way for me to get a fix.

It was also a lot more than that. It was a way for me to stop and get a mental break. It was a calming time alone. It was good conversation with good friends. And, weird as it sounds, it was New York City. My memories of that town are endlessly bound in cigarette smoke. But, as I imagine I will corroborate further through my future writing, primarily it was a means to an end. I told myself that I needed a break... did I do that because I did, or because I couldn't concentrate because my body was telling me it was time for another cigarette?

This question, and many others like it, are going to haunt me for a long time. But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life with my family. I'm going to enjoy work, and working hard, because I believe in an honest days work. And I'm going to enjoy watching my son try to eat things he shouldn't (like leaves off the floor while Daddy is in the next room writing) and Mommy running to him to stop him. Now, as my son's laughter takes me away...

The man smiles and wishes that the world was different. He wishes that his need hadn't outweighed other things in his life for the past 11 years. But, sitting in the bar, looking at the poison to which he has professed his love, he feels the grip loosen... and he smiles.